The disciples who follow Jesus experience the same. When they see Jesus doing wonders before the thousand crowds, healing the sick, speaking of the God in so different and fresh ways, raising the dead and demons seem to obey His words, the disciples experience God’s glorious presence in Jesus among them. They believe they finally find the Messiah or the Savior for themselves and Israel. But this happy and fulfilling moments suddenly fall apart because they see their master is arrested, interrogated, mocked, shamefully killed on the cross. Everything they believe seems to go nothing; everyone accuses them of betrayal. The disciples too want to say, “This is enough! O Lord, Take my life for I am no better than my fathers.”
Here is an apple. I love apple because my grandpa who died when I was in the military service grew apples. His apple was the best. Anyway, can you tell what kind of apple I have? Yes, it is Fuji that is usually juicy and sweet. But do you really know what this apple is like? In order to find it out, you may want to touch it and to smell it to see if this apple is delicious or not. Nevertheless, you never know how it tastes until you bite it. Until you eat and digest it, you never know what it is like.
Think about the disciples who despair from the death of the Lord. They probably think that they know the master well, looking at his wonders, listening to his words, touching the cured and smelling the multiplied bread. But it is not enough to know who Jesus is until they bite, chew and digest him because He Himself says, “I am the bread of life that came down from heaven; whoever eats this bread will live forever.” Without eating, we never know Jesus like the disciples.
Elijah who pleas God to take his life is not whole until he eats and drinks. The angel of the Lord orders him to eat; else the journey will be too long for him. So he gets up, eats and drinks; then strengthened by that food, he walks forty days and forty nights to the mountain of God, Horeb where he encounters the Lord. What if he were filled with confidence and pride because of his wonders before the Israel, what if he didn’t fall down and didn’t plea for death, Elijah wouldn’t need to be fed and never know the Lord. In despair, he becomes ready to accept the Lord and he bites the essence of life, chews and digests it, so that the food becomes the bread of life for him.
“I am the bread of life; whoever eats this bread will live forever.” Now we see Jesus not recognized by looking, listening, touching and smelling but by biting, chewing and digesting because we believe that it is the true face of Jesus in eating Him. And we become what we eat. We may say again “This is enough! O Lord!” But it is OK, OK to say that, hoping the more we eat this bread the more we are strengthened to walk our life-long journey to the mountain of God. In this sense, the prayer of St. Ignatius touches us for he himself has walked a long way and confessed the same words in a totally different way.
O, Lord. Take all my liberty, my memory, my understanding and my entire will. All that I have and possess is a gift that you have given to me. To you all is yours now, dispose of it wholly according to your will. Give me only your love and your grace, for this is enough for me. This is enough!